Sburbian Slaughter: Dave
by St Elmo's Fire
Summary: Four goddamn months. (Set in the bad timeline of Act 4. Co-written with Farla. Part of the Sburbia series. Originally posted July 2011.)


TG: anyway what do you think  
EB: i don't really know, i mean...  
EB: it's supposed to be like your ghostly spirit guide or something.  
EB: unless you have the remains of a wise old dead grandparent lying around, i'm not sure what to tell you!  
TG: ok fine but  
TG: it seems to be suggesting something here  
TG: and  
TG: i guess im kinda weirded out by its suggestion  
EB: i don't know, just do what it says!  
EB: it knows stuff about the game, so it probably knows better than i do...  
EB: i gotta go!  
EB: gonna blast off to the seventh gate.  
EB: and, uh, win this game i guess.  
TG: ok well it definitely sounds like youre fucking something up over there  
TG: but alright later  
EB: later.

Dave looked away from the computer screen and glared at his kernelsprite once again. The simple crow head and sword shapes had grown both in size and design into an orange human-sized crow with a sword through its chest. After all the trouble it had put him through for the last four hours, it was strange to see it floating in place, doing absolutely nothing. Dave had tried talking to it earlier - by the end there'd been a lot of swearing as well - but it had appeared not to talk or was oblivious to everything he said. Which really sucked, especially with some of the choice comments he'd made on its brainless feathery asshole status. It was an absolute tragedy to think those had been wasted. He couldn't imagine anything more tragic.

Still, it didn't need to talk for him to pick up on what it meant that it was hovering patiently next to the remains of Lil Cal. "Stupid bird!" he yelled at it again. It continued to hover in place. Not his coolest move, but after watching that meteor bear down on him, his nerves were a trifle frayed. At least things should improve from here on out.

"You can't possibly think this is a good idea," he told it.

No answer.

Dave glanced around the roof. What other prototyping material could he use? Maybe fireworks? No, actually, that would be a really stupid idea. Prototyping with another sword probably wouldn't even work. And the idea of using one of the smuppets... Ugh.

He was distracted by Pesterchum producing a sound like a squeaky toy being run over by a car. He looked back to the computer.

EB: hey i just found the denizen! or its head anyway. it's pretty big.  
EB: she was right, it's sleeping like a log.  
EB: i feel bad for not trusting her at first.  
EB: anyway i should be able to kill it no problem  
EB: and then we'll have tons of stuff. plus some ultimate alchemy thing.  
EB: it'll be like so cool.  
TG: i guess  
TG: seems kind of a lame way to win  
EB: nah i'm sure it's fine  
EB: brb

Dave returned to considering the stabbed crow sprite, still waiting patiently above the scraps of Lil Cal. Maybe it knew what it was doing. He grudgingly admitted it had been right about the egg.

Dave watched the impassive sprite again, then let out a long, defeated sigh. He picked up the tattered remains of Cal's upper body and held them up to the kernelsprite. Maybe this wouldn't be such a bad thing. He was just a bit jumpy at the moment. But Cal was a pretty cool dude, after all.

He just hoped that this was a good idea. It wasn't like he'd get another chance to do this.

88

\- tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] -

TT: Dave, John isn't answering me.  
TG: maybe hes busy  
TG: he said he was going to try to gank the denizen  
TG: btw my sprite doesnt seem to talk  
TG: i mean nothing understandable  
TG: any advice  
TT: What denizen?  
TG: i dont know ask john  
TG: something pretty big i guess  
TG: id ask my sprite  
TG: if you can figure out how to make it talk i mean  
TG: thatd be good  
TT: I'll ask Jaspers. He mentioned something about a denizen earlier.  
TT: Perhaps he can shed some light on things.  
TG: yeah thanks so much thats real helpful

\- tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] -

\- tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] -

TT: Explain.  
TG: what  
TT: Jaspers says the denizen amounts to the end boss of the planet.  
TT: The only reason it doesn't kill us is that it's asleep until we progress far enough.  
TT: It can only be reached from the seventh gate.  
TT: Which he is nowhere near reaching right now.  
TG: well john has a rocket pack now didnt you see him

\- tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] -

88

"HAA HAA HEE HEE HOO HOO!" the puppet cackled.

"Look," Dave said. "Denizens. You're like some fount of cryptic bullshit wisdom right? So lay some on me. I am all about the exposition. Dunk my head in the videogame nonsense baptismal because I am a convert."

"HAA HAA HEE HEE HOO HOO!"

He flinched just slightly at the sound of metal groaning he could hear even over Cal's giggling and couldn't help but throw a glance over his shoulder at the weirdly elongated satellite tower stretching into the sky, wobbling slightly. He didn't know what Jade had been thinking, building that. She was probably asleep again. This cackling jackass for a sprite and a dopy narcoleptic as his server, just his luck.

"How about a vague useless reference to some stupid puzzle shit I'm going to have to deal with?"

"HAA HAA HEE HEE HOO HOO!"

"You know some long thing that's nonsense that has just enough to do with it that when I finally brute force my way through five hours later you can repeat it smugly and I'll be like shit man, OWLS, I was supposed to count out how many letters were between the O and W in the alphabet and divide by L minus S, god if only I'd been able to figure that out it'd have been so easy, and then you can cackle like a brainless asshole."

"HAA HAA HEE HEE HOO HOO!"

"Yeah you too buddy, I guess I'll just kill imps for a while."

88

\- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG] -

TG: hey  
TG: jade  
TG: sometimes it seems you know stuff  
TG: i mean important stuff  
TG: that the rest of us dont  
TG: so do you know how johns doing  
TG: im not worried its just hes such a dork sometimes  
TG: probably wasting time on something stupid  
TG: and rose is getting antsy  
TG: plus ive got to tell him about his advice  
TG: about my sprite  
TG: how much i appreciate it  
TG: probably thought it was the funniest thing ever  
TG: it is unreal how dead he is going to be when i get my hands on him  
TG: really though its my fault for listening to him  
TG: i mean what sort of idiot listens to advice from someone like him  
TG: still going to kill him for this  
TG: or maybe the applejuice thing  
TG: not that you heard that from me  
TG: jade  
TG: dammit youd better not be asleep or something  
TG: jade?

\- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering gardenGnostic [GG] -

\- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] -

TG: rose  
TG: rose  
TG: rose  
TG: rose  
TG: rose  
TG: ROSE  
TG: rose  
TT: Yes?  
TG: oh ok youre there then  
TG: starting to think everyone had decided to stop answering  
TG: scared off by how cool i am or something  
TG: not that i blame you  
TG: but anyway whats up with jade  
TT: She contacted me earlier, to ask if John had found the disk yet.  
TT: The meteorite should be starting to approach, although she still has time.  
TT: I told her about John's situation.  
TT: She assured me she knew he would be okay.  
TT: Then decided to go to sleep to wake him up.  
TT: Whatever that means.  
TG: well of course hes ok  
TG: hes probably doing some stupid victory dance  
TG: with moonwalking and that sort of thing  
TG: back and forth to collect all that grist  
TG: hes always spazzing out like that  
TG: no worries

\- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] –

\- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG] -

TG: jade  
TG: jade  
TG: jade  
TG: jade  
TG: jade  
TG: jade  
TG: jade  
TG: jade  
TG: dammit jade wake up already  
TG: jade  
TG: wake the fuck up

\- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering gardenGnostic [GG] -

She'd probably just fallen asleep in the middle of her pumpkin patch, Dave thought. He looked up, seeing the blue spirographs hovering in the air and the creaking metal tower.

"HAA HAA HEE HEE HOO HOO!"

"Just...shut up," he said.

\- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] -

TG: ok my sprite doesnt talk  
TG: so youre going to have to tell me  
TG: theres these gates and stuff  
TG: where do they go  
TG: they go to different places right  
TG: like can i go to your planet or something  
TT: The second gate apparently moves you to the next planet on the ring.  
TG: ok thanks

\- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] -

There was no way he was climbing that thing. It'd taken him four damn hours just to get up to the nest his original shishkabobed sprite, whose _quiet_ brainless asshole behavior he was already thinking longingly of, had made. The first gate was even further up. And the whole thing hadn't been wobbling back then.

Well, he had grist to spare and time, like imps, to kill. Maybe he could alchemize something to get him up there. He opened the door to the stairs and stabbed his broken blade through the imp waiting beyond. Had to do something about that too, he thought, as he hacked them methodically into grist. Then one of them jumped him from behind.

"HAA HAA HEE HEE HOO HOO!" screamed his sprite as he lay in a pile of grist at the bottom of the stairs. It was half in and half out of them, staring at him with huge eyes like orange creamicles left to melt on hot asphalt. Wait, how would that work.

"Could've warned me about that bro," Dave said, feeling utterly chill. It might have had something to do with the sense he was floating just out of his skin. His head felt like helium had been pumped in. His vision swam. He closed his eyes only to find himself still staring at that same dead gaze. "No fair," he muttered as he got to his feet. Everything spun for a minute.

"HAA HAA HEE HEE HOO HOO!"

"Yeah yeah," he told Cal's head, walking back into the apartment. "Wouldn't have done any good to warn me. Stairs are the anti-cool, the enemy of all cool dudes like me. You'd just be like, 'I warned you about the stairs man,' right now. Except then you'd be talking so I guess that'd be a lot better. Maybe we can pretend you warned me but I still fell down there like an unwarned dumpass."

"HAA HAA HEE HEE HOO HOO!"

There were more imps when he opened the door. He started stabbing again. "Then you can say 'I warned you, I warned you man!' I mean you seem like the kind of guy who likes a good gloat. So you can get your gloating float on right now if you want." He giggled, then stopped, feeling confused. He rubbed the back of his own head then examined his hand. Yep, he was bleeding good. "Good thing I'm a redhead," he said to Calsprite. "Just blends in. Wouldn't want Jade to flip the fuck out or anything when she gets back on. It does right?"

The sprite just cackled.

"Okay that's great thanks." He surveyed the room. Various pieces of plush jutted out impudently. There had to be something else he could use. Anything else.

There were still a couple weapons he'd left on the wall, of the sharp-object-attached-to-chain type. He was not sure actually what specibi they used. Though they might appear cool to the untrained eye like John, they were [i]faux[/i] cool, as everyone who knew anything about ninjas, which was everyone who knew anything worthwhile, knew they were only used midway though, once the hero had finished mowing down mooks but still had a couple fight scenes before the boss. Hero dodges, sickle or whatever end up stuck in wall, hero goes on to have swordfight with boss.

Actually using them would be deeply uncool. The ironic brilliance of collecting them and putting them on the kitchen wall was therefore obvious. Really, to tamper with them now would be like licking a da Vinci painting. It was not quite an ironic counterpart to the Mona Lisa, but it was up there.

He captchalogued the lot of them.

He managed to dig up some old figurines Bro must have bought as players in puppet drama, one of which shot out a retractable net, as well as a toy whip one smuppet was armed with because chains were crap. After that it was a matter of working his way through all possible combinations, no matter how good of an idea stopping seemed when it produced a My First Kidnapping kit followed by a Bondage Joe toy.

He had nothing much else to do The imps were everywhere and there was no way he was going to sleep until he'd cleaned them out and barricaded every door in the house. So he kept trying new codes and reminding himself that he didn't care about the fact Cal was staring and cackling and cackling and staring, definitely didn't care or about how the sprite kept following him around and going silent and then suddenly appearing through the wall in front of him with its unblinking eyes fixed on him, words could not express how utterly okay he was with this.

It was maybe two-thirty in the morning when he saw the last one, although it took him longer to realize this and longer still making sure they were gone. He blocked the door and window, definitely did not cringe when Calsprite phased in through the barrier, and collapsed onto his bed with his alarm clock glowing 3:14.

"HAA HAA HEE HEE HOO HOO!"

"Shut up," he mumbled, pulling the pillow over his head.

\- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] -

TG: hey are you awake  
TG: rose hey wake up  
TT: I am.  
TG: ok cool i need you to get building  
TT: Dave.  
TT: Dave, what do you think you're doing?  
TT: How are you even there?  
TG: jade built up to the second gate earlier  
TG: while i was grinding imps.  
TG: its all kinds of shitty because she just made the satellite tower higher  
TG: not sure its actually that stable  
TG: and kind of totally a bitch to climb  
TG: but i guess it was cheap or something  
TG: anyway i made this grappling hook thing to get up  
TT: This does not answer my question.  
TG: but it turns out SOMEONE didnt build up johns side  
TG: had to get rescued by the freaky blue one armed ghostsprite  
TG: what were you thinking with that thing  
TG: but whatever i guess  
TG: at least it only laughs sometimes  
TG: just start building up toward the gate ok  
TG: oh yeah i should send you the gristtorrent code  
TG: unless youve already got that i guess  
TG: thisll probably take a lot of grist  
TG: can barely even see the gate from here  
TT: The seventh gate you mean?  
TG: yeah what else  
TG: ill meet up with john  
TG: probably broke his stupid computer or something  
TG: he's so lame  
TT: Dave, I don't know if that's a good idea.  
TG: its the best idea ever im sure jade is getting antsy

\- tentacleTherapist [TT] is an idle chum! -

TG: dammit what now

88

\- tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] -

TT: Dave...  
TG: hey rose  
TG: cool youre back so lets get going  
TG: ive been killing imps and making all sorts of stuff  
TG: shit is getting unreal here  
TT: ...I'm not sure how to tell you this, but...  
TG: yeah?  
TT: Dave... Jade is dead.  
TG: not funny rose  
TT: I'm not joking. There's a lab near my house that shows all of the meteors and how much time until their impact.  
TT: Jade's was scheduled to hit about an hour ago.  
TG: but if john got the beta and got her into the medium she'll be fine right?  
TT: I think he would have contacted us if that was the case.  
TG: no maybe he just can't communicate for some reason  
TG: you know how much of a dork he can be sometimes  
TT: If he can't communicate, I don't think he can connect as the server either, even if he did get the beta.  
TG: it wouldnt be the first weird thing  
TT: Dave, I don't think he got the beta. I don't think he left.  
TG: what are you talking about the denizen was sleeping  
TT: I've talked to Jaspers. Sburb seems to be adaptive. This isn't some regular game where bad coding means going through the wrong door lets you skip half the events. It's designed for players like us.  
TT: If sequence breaking is even possible it's not easy.  
TT: One of the trigger conditions for waking the denizen up could be the player walking into the room.  
TG: but it was sleeping  
TT: He might have been talking to us from outside the room. It could have woken up the moment he entered.  
TG: it was sleeping  
TG: he said he could see it and it was sleeping  
TT: Or it could be it woke up when he attacked.  
TT: Or when he wasn't able to kill it on the first blow.  
TT: Anything, really.  
TG: so what are you saying  
TT: I think John is dead too, Dave.  
TG: rose if youre screwing with me now would be a good time to tell me  
TT: I'm not. Sburb is a dangerous game.  
TT: What do you think would have happened to me if I hadn't broken that bottle?  
TT: Or if I tried to fight a monster far beyond my current capabilities?  
TG: no  
TG: im sure hes fine  
TG: youll see ok  
TG: just build up to the gate and ill go get him  
TG: well have a big laugh about all of it  
TG: and hell connect to jade and get her in too  
TG: and shell say something annoying  
TG: about how we were late and screwing up her precog schedule  
TT: I'm sorry, Dave.  
TG: you dont know anything  
TG: just build to the gate and youll see  
TT: No.

\- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] -

\- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] -

TG: but just because john's dead it doesnt mean jade is  
TG: ok shes not in here with us  
TG: but she could have survived the meteor  
TT: Dave...  
TG: you know i had this stupid egg  
TG: couldnt get it to hatch ok  
TG: meteor was bearing down  
TG: but my bro showed up  
TG: saved my ass  
TG: or she could have just left  
TG: gotten out of the area  
TG: she had plenty of time for that  
TT: The lab showed the meteor impacts.  
TT: Hers was the largest one.  
TT: The blast radius covered most of the Pacific Ocean.  
TT: And she was on an island.  
TG: we dont know that for sure  
TT: Yes, Strider, we do.

\- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] -

\- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] -

TG: but were not supposed to fight the denizen now  
TG: like fucking event flags  
TG: you dont hit the right ones  
TG: so the game doesnt do the real boss fight yet  
TG: because itd be unwinnable  
TG: so it doesnt go down like it would in the end  
TG: sequence breaker safety rails  
TT: What makes you think this game cares about safety?  
TG: well how do you know  
TG: how do you know for sure  
TT: Dave. Everyone on Earth is dead.  
TT: What do you think.

\- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] -

\- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] -

TG: we don't know that was where jade lived  
TG: she could live anywhere  
TG: shes weird you know  
TT: We have sent and received packages from her, Strider.  
TT: Ergo, the address we were given was correct.  
TG: but it could have been forwarded or something  
TG: bro did a bunch of stuff with po boxes and shit  
TT: A PO box on a remote island in the Pacific ocean?  
TG: mistakes were made ok  
TG: sometimes you have to do shit like that  
TT: So you're saying the meteor bearing down on her is some other one?  
TG: yeah  
TT: That meteorite was one of the last ones to come.  
TT: If she was anywhere else, she'd have been hit some time earlier.

\- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] -

\- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] -

TG: if getting near it wakes it up  
TG: then probably  
TG: going away makes it fall asleep again  
TT: Where are you going with this?  
TG: hes not too stupid to run away rose  
TT: If he could have gotten away, he would be back by now, Strider.  
TG: no i mean hes stuck there  
TG: because its in the way or something  
TT: If that's true, anyone who followed would be stuck as well.  
TG: oh come on rose  
TG: ill be in and out like a ninja  
TG: i own at this game  
TT: Yes, I noticed your brilliant choice of prototypings.  
TG: fuck off

\- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] -

\- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] -

TG: but ok so if its a different meteor itd be earlier  
TG: but she knew it was coming  
TG: she just had to get out of there right  
TT: All sessions correspond to a meteor.  
TT: But the reverse is not true.  
TG: fuck does that mean  
TT: Leaving the area would just mean being killed by a different meteor.  
TT: I realize you may have trouble grasping this given your own lackadaisic retrieval of your server disk,  
TG: ok you have no idea ok  
TT: but had I attempted anything like that it would simply have resulted with me on fire, Strider.  
TG: well maybe jade's smarter than you  
TG: and wouldnt like walk into a burning tree  
TG: or whatever  
TG: or that devilbeast could do something  
TG: i mean there must be some reason shes kept it around this long  
TG: or like her robot  
TG: or her grandpa  
TG: guy shot like everything in existence im sure he could take down a meteor

\- tentacleTherapist [TT] is an idle chum! -

TG: oh real mature  
TG: stop ignoring me  
TG: rose  
TG: rose  
TG: stop ignoring me rose  
TG: im not going to give up  
TG: im right you know im right  
TG: rose  
TG: rose  
TG: rose  
TG: rose  
TG: rose  
TT: You are incorrect in your supposition  
TT: I had ogres to deal with.  
TT: As fascinating as your various permutations of denial are, my ability to babysit you is not limitless.  
TG: im right though  
TT: Of course Dave.  
TT: I'll just go message Jade and ask her to confirm which one of them it was.  
TG: FUCK YOU

\- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] -

\- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] -

TG: hes not dead  
TG: hes not dead but hes going to be  
TG: and itll be your fault  
TG: hes probably bleeding out  
TG: in some stupid cave full of monsters  
TG: alone  
TG: i bet hes thinking about how were his friends  
TG: and going to rescue him  
TG: because he doesnt know youre  
TG: a horrible  
TG: evil  
TG: irredeemable  
TG: bitch  
TG: who cares more about how the games supposed to go  
TG: and stupid meteor facts  
TG: than him dying  
TT: Are you done?  
TG: no  
TG: youre the one in denial  
TG: you dont want to admit youre wrong  
TG: because youre a coward  
TG: and now youre too scared of some stupid pile of code to do anything  
TG: and youd rather he was dead already  
TG: because its easier  
TG: if theres nothing you can do  
TG: you werent even paying attention  
TG: you were focused on your own stupid problems  
TG: youre his server player you could have just stopped him  
TG: and hes going to die and itll be all your fault  
TT: And how, may I ask, do you know this is happening?  
TG: i just do ok  
TT: There's no point in talking to you.

\- tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG]-

TG: oh very mature

\- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] -

TG: you dont know  
TG: you dont know  
TG: you dont know  
TG: you dont know  
TG: you dont know  
TG: you dont know  
TG: you dont know  
TG: you dont know  
TG: you dont know  
TG: you dont know  
TG: you dont know  
TG: you dont know  
TG: you dont know  
TG: you dont know  
TG: you dont know  
TG: you dont know  
TG: you dont know  
TG: you dont know  
TG: you dont know  
TG: you dont know  
TG: you dont know  
TG: you dont know  
TG: you dont know  
TG: you dont know

\- tentacleTherapist [TT] blocked turntechGodhead [TG] -

88

TT: Have you been getting any sleep?  
TG: wy woudyou thnk tat thas crayz  
TT: Strider, you've been messaging me at least every half hour.  
TG: ist tha ao leika grl alwas tal talk but wen yo tal  
TG:theyr alll  
TT: I'm blocking you for the next few hours. I hope this removes the temptation to stay up badgering me about your projected guilt.  
TG: don b suh abich abut thi

\- tentacleTherapist [TT] blocked turntechGodhead [TG] -

TG: fuck

He slumped back against the wall. Great. Fucking great. He wasn't that tired. She didn't have any idea what she was talking about. He'd slept yesterday, not like it was something you had to do all the time. Obviously. Because he wasn't even that tired.

"Glub?"

He slashed in the direction of the sound before his eyes had even opened. It was some retarded orange salamander thing, with a crumpled oil stained hat perched on the top of its head. The broken tip of his sword had passed less than an inch from its face.

They stared at each other.

"What the fuck are you?" Dave said. His heard was hammering against his ribs and he didn't know why but he felt furious, this stupid thing, he'd almost killed it and what the hell was it doing here and why was it that fucking orange color?

"Glub glub! Glub!"

"Fuck," he said again. He put the sword away. Should've known better than to expect any sort of conversation here. At least glub was a step up from Calsprite's screaming laugh. And it didn't seem to look like one of the imp monsters, probably wouldn't drop anything if he killed it even. He rubbed his eyes behind his glasses. When he closed them the world started to wobble and spin.

"Knight of Time, glub!" it squeaked.

"What?" His head jerked back up to stare at it again. He pointed his broken sword at it. "What are you talking about? Is that the boss monster? Do you work for it?"

"Glub no glub!" It fell backward onto its tail. "You glub! The Knight!"

TG: somethigs teling me im the night of tiem  
TG: rose dos yuor spte no abot tht

No response. Right, she'd blocked him hadn't she. Right.

"Fuck." He put the broken sword back again in his strife specibi, then sat down shakily. "Okay, talk. What do you mean? I'm the knight?"

"Of Time, glub!"

"Right." He should have known better than to expect anything useful in this place.

"One of the four destined heroes," it continued, "who will defeat the denizens and save their consorts."

"Okay wait stop there," Dave interrupted. "I do not have a consort."

"Each hero has consorts glub!"

"Look I know I'm a pretty cool guy but I do not have consorts. The fuck are consorts? Where are they?"

"Glub, I'm the consort of the Heir of Breath!"

Dave stared at it. "That's fucked up. When I find Egbert we are going to have a talk. When - I ...you - do you know where he is?"

"You're looking for the Heir?"

"Sure, that guy, I guess." Every time he blinked the ground under his feet gave way and he was sucked down into a whirlpool. He tried to stop blinking. There wasn't any time for this. "Have you seen him? Has he been around?"

"He fought many underlings and saved our village from the basilisks!"

"Oh. Cool." Dave blinked again and rubbed at his eyes. They felt like they were coated in glue. "Where's that - that thing you said. I think I've got important hero business to do. There."

"Glub!" it said. "It isn't far from here!"

"Great that's, that's great just lead the way little guy."

"I'm a girl glub!"

"But - " Dave swayed a bit. " - you're not wearing any clothes."

"I am!" It pointed to its crumpled hat.

"Oh. Yeah. Okay." He followed it.

88

"Jesus Egbert." The place was trashed, with scorched marks all over the buildings. "This is saved? Fucking - fucking Vietnam bullshit Egbert god."

Sarcasm was lost on Egbert's wife-lizard. Jesus she was tiny, had he married a kid. Oh they were going to have so many words when this was done. "We could never have stopped the basilisks ourselves! The Heir shattered them with his mighty hammer and then summoned the Breeze to blow out the fire and save the buildings!"

"The Breeze," another orange salamander agreed worshipfully. What the fuck was with orange, seriously.

"Wow I can see how Egbert wouldn't have any trouble, I mean, man, he's got breeze summoning skills."

The salamanders nodded happily.

Dave was starting to wonder if he'd nodded back off there after all. He'd closed his eyes and then the first trippy salamander had shown up. Shit, he was probably sleepwalking or something, right into one of those nasty tar rivers or something. "You guys have beds or anything?"

"We sleep in pools," Wife-salamander said.

Dave facepalmed. "That - that's great. I'm just gonna lie down now. Wake me up if Egbert gets back little hallucination buddies. Or basilisks. Egbert or basilisks. Either one."

88

It wasn't fair. Cal had been cut in half and then a sprite - not his smoothest of moves, Dave would cop to that - and back at the house, stuck behind a spirograph gate and god how grateful he'd been when that feathery puppet asshole hadn't followed him through. Should have been stuck. But wasn't because if he was he couldn't have been staring at him dead eyes drilling into his skull and Dave kept staring straight ahead like if he just didn't look directly at it it couldn't do anything, it had to make him notice it first focusing pretending he couldn't see the goddamn puppet dancing in and out of his vision and staring at him always staring with dead eyes and John was bleeding to death somewhere and all he was doing was staring at his computer screen working on a shitty waste of pixels around Cal's dangling legs staring -

The salamanders were staring at him.

"Hey, uh, salamanders," Dave said.

"What are those things?" one of the smaller ones asked.

"The results of shitty planning," Dave told it, getting up from the smuppet pile. "Shitty, shitty planning." He rubbed his eyes and blinked muzzily, trying to remember how the last conversation had ended. "Kinda thought I'd just imagined you guys. Where's Egbert's, uh, consort?"

"We're his consorts," said a salamander.

"Okay uh then what do you mean by consort. I think Bro may have been fucking with me again, he's a cool dude he does that shit, man Egbert has no idea really."

And off they went. Videogame exposition nonsense at last. He plunged his head into the nonsense baptismal and tried to soak it up.

"So Egbert's destined to save you all?" he asked finally.

"He's the prophesied Heir of Breath!"

"No, I mean - this is important - is he destined to actually do it? Succeed? Not like, destined to try, but to succeed?"

"He's the Heir," one of them said. "Of course he'll succeed."

"Okay thanks. Is that true for everybody? Me, for example? Everybody with a title?"

"The four heroes," corrected one of the salamanders. "They will challenge the denizens and free their consorts from oppression. The Heir of Breath, Seer of Light, Knight of Time and Witch of Space."

"So they're destined too? Jade, I mean the Seer, she has to beat her denizen too?"

"That's the destiny of all the heroes," said a salamander.

"So she's got to come here? And John, he, John can't die? He - if he attacked the denizen now he'd survive somehow?"

"Everyone can die," the salamander said.

After a minute Dave said, "Yeah. Yeah, I guess you aren't much of a hero if you can't die."

"But that could never happen, glub!" One of the salamanders patted his shoulder. "Before the Heir can meet the denizen he must go through many trials and climb much higher on his echeladder!"

Dave opened his mouth but what came out was, "Yeah. Yeah, you're right. No worries."

88

TG: rose  
TG: im sorry


End file.
